The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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