im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.