Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
