i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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