haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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