I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
