He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
