Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
