i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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