i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
