Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
