Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize