My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
