I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
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somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
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I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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