If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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