Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
