i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
