Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
