doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
