You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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