It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
