So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
