Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
