i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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