someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
