we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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