For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
