I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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