She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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