I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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