sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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