I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
That accounts for only three of the penises
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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