Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
two words...techno handjob
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
