Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
