She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
