i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
