tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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