Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
