Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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