i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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