Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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