my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
