my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
