New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
