She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
