i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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