I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
