I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
