he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
