i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
