My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
