A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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