I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Small penises have feelings too.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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