oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
