I faked an abortion last night.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
