So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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