I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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