batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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