so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
