the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
