The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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