I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
