The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
